Full credit for this masterpiece is given to SurpriseElement of PWB!
Warning: You may become an avid follower of the Animal, Batista, after reading his personal journal.
Warning: This journal contains crude humor that may frighten or disturb you. I'm just kidding, gosh!
Warning: This journal contains terms that only a Wrestling Fan would know about. It's all good, right?
10:30 a.m. - Woke up and the television had a poison on its breath.
It said the culture was full of wicked lies and death. It made my eyes
bleed, so I gave it a spinebuster. I then decided that I need a bit of
cardio and what better way to get the heart beating than by taking a
brisk walk?
Melina was still in bed, and I thought about having her join me, but I decided to walk alone.
1:30
p.m. - A lot of people get on Taker for his age, but he can ball. He
just beat me to 11 three games in a row. Seriously, my shot just wasn't
falling today. I even walked inside of Melina's pit of danger between
games - twice. I guess basketballs hold grudges. In about six hours, we
have a house show. Most likely I'll job to Edge for the World
Heavyweight Title. I'll probably scan the crowd for some hot MILF's and
get security to get them for me.
I may be jobbing tonight, but it won't be a complete loss.
5:30 p.m.
Melina is busy shopping with Victoria, and that
left me with some time to kill. I wanted some female companionship. I
simply walked out to the balcony shirtless and flexed my muscles a bit
and four women immediately knocked down my door and began fighting for
me. It was fun watching them fight for my affection, but I remember
bloody women aren't very much fun to lay with.
I immediately
stopped them and treated this like a handicap match. Four on one.They
won the first time around, but after a few minutes, I invoked my
rematch clause. Nobody beats Batista, even in bed. Their pits of danger
will be thoroughly traversed.
10:30 p.m.
The house show sucked. Edge ran out before I could
Batista Bomb him, and the ladies were hideous. Their fat little kids
wanted autographs and pictures, but I refused. I am Batista, and I
refuse to pose with fat kids. Some will say Rey, but he's just short.
And an adult. There is a difference. V__V
After the show, I went
to Applebee's and ordered some ribs. Not sure why, but I wanted some
ribs. Jimmy Wang Yang and Melina were with me. I had to excuse Jimmy
because I though he was trying to cop a feel on Melina. Turns out he
was just reaching for his wallet to pay for all of us. Sorry about the
black eye Jimmy ole buddy >_>
Melina is fast asleep, and
keeps muttering something about John Morrison. If you'll excuse me, I'm
going to go and speak with Mr. Morrison...
2:34 a.m.
The Shaman of Sexy is now the Shaman of a black
eye. Batista doesn't play games, and when Morrison looks in the mirror,
that won't be no make believe. See? Sometimes The Animal can be a funny
guy. >_> ha ha. Speaking of funny, Melina played a message of
John Morrison's message to her about what I did to him. He was crying
and talking about a wilderness of pain and sorrow and how he had an
autograph signing the next day, and how his face as ruined.
I laughed. I've walked for miles inside pits of danger and swallowed down a thousand bottles of steroids.
Just kidding smarks, don't wet yourselves.
Big Dave
10:30 a.m.
It's a rare day off for both brands, and while
most wrestlers rest, I actually have a job to do. Being the top star
means I make appearances for the company. Very few get this chance, so
I'm making the most of it. Melina is teaching me some spanish so I can
impress the hosts of Loco David and Sons Jewish Hour. Who knew Jesus
loved bodyslams?
Anyway, being part Hispanic myself (Bautsita
means Animal if you didn't know, and you didn't.), the lessons
shouldn't take long.
I have to go now. The weight of last night's dinner is about to meet the toilet.
Big Dave
6:40 a.m.
I just awoke from a wild nightmare that involved
Wrestlemania (which happens March 30th in Orlando, Florida. Tickets are
still available!) and I dreamt (or night'd) that I wasn't in the World
Heavyweight Championship match. It was terrible. Instead of the title
match, I had a match with Umaga.
Umaga is fat. I want him to know that. But not Rey. He's just short.
There is a difference.
Anyway, at the end of my nightmare, I saw John Cena standing tall at the end of Wrestlemania. Yeah, like I haven't seen that before.
Big Dave
3:30
There was misunderstanding at the radio show. It turns
out that they were having Father David Bautista on instead of me. I
stayed on anyway, and I was surprised at how calm and uninterested the
Father was around Melina. She was looking extra smoking hot today, and
I must say I built the freaking Eiffel Tower in my pants whenever I
looked at her.
Funny though, the Father was visibly distracted
when the host's son came in the room. I'm not one to judge, especially
a man of the cloth. But WTF at being more involved with some punk kid
and not pitching a tent for Melina. THE GIRL CAN FREAKING DO A SPLIT
UNDER THE RING ROPES! She invents new positions every night! HOW COULD
YOU IGNORE THAT?
Either way, the Father was nice to me and
Melina, even if he is some inconsiderate bastard who doesn't ogle
Melina. Seriously, she was so hot, that if the picture of Jesus was
plastered everywhere, I'd have banged her right there in studio. And
Paris Hilton, I know you say it all the time, but "That's Hot."
Big Dave
9:00 p.m.
Since we have a Supershow in two days, the brands
are all in town. Tomorrow is another show, but it's a smaller one from
FCW, so we have another day off. Right now, I've banged most of the
Divas except Michelle McCool (she's with Undertaker), Mickie James
(she's not with Kenny anymore. SCORE!), Jillian Hall (almost a
butterface, but those tatas make me drool) and Beth Phoenix (she could
hurt me anytime...)
Of all the girls, I'd want Beth the most.
But, she's married. Now, that's never really stopped me (just ask the
girls who asked me about my wedding band during sex) but I have a
feeling she genuinely would not want to get down with The Animal.
Mickie would be fun because she's so hyper. I imagine she'd want to go
at it like Thumper all day.
Mmm ... maybe I'll go for Mickie
instead. She's got a ton of energy and there's a good chance she won't
bodyslam or pwoerslam me if things don't go her way.
I have an appetite, and tonight, one main course of Mickie James is on the menu. Bon appetit : D
Big Dave
3:30 a.m.
It turns out Mickie isn't down with me either.
Those chicks on RAW are really uptight, and it is pissing me off. Also,
to make things worse, Melina and Mickie used to be rivals, but now all
is forgiven it seems. In her words, they "kissed and made up" First
off, who told them to kiss and make up, and why wasn't The Animal
invited?
With Beth married, and Michelle being banged by the
Deadman (not a real deadman ... unless you're into that kind of stuff
>_>) that leaves Jillian. As long as she doesn't sing, she'll
survive the Animal. I would make a joke about her using her mouth for
other means, but that would be cruel and misogynistic. But, it'd be
funny, so tonight, maybe she'll use her mouth for others means.
See?
That was kind of funny. And witty. Fwunitty. I just made a new word.
Someone call Merriam Webster. I have a new word for them.
Big Dave
10:05 a.m.
Jillian isn't so bad in bed. She was almost as
good as Melina. The Animal definitely had some fun with her funbags,
and motor-boating wasn't just welcome ... IT WAS ALLOWED. Good Lord,
for a few scant moments, I actually thought that I would lose my breath
and my way inside her cleavage. If Jillian is up for repeat
performances - wait a second. I'm BATISTA for crying out loud. There
will be repeat performances.
I went down to breakfast with
just my boxers and a bedrobe. No need for shoes or anything. I got a
grapefruit and some bacon. I took John Morrison's toast because at the
line, I noticed he had a great buttering motion, and the bread was
evenly buttered. It was a thing of beauty. It made me almost feel bad
about hitting him in the face. Almost.
Jillian Hall
Anyway, he did nothing
about it, because I'm Batista. I am big, and I will hurt you. I thanked
him for the toast and made sure to devour it the only way an Animal
like myself can. I have to conserve my energy though. Jillian is due
back again while Melina is out. She should come at 11:00. Of course,
Jillian should arrive at the room in about thirty minutes though : )
But before that, I am going to hit the toilet. HARD
Big Dave
