Full credit for this masterpiece is given to SurpriseElement of PWB!
Warning: You may become an avid follower of the Animal, Batista, after reading his personal journal.
Warning: This journal contains crude humor that may frighten or disturb you. I'm just kidding, gosh!
Warning: This journal contains terms that only a Wrestling Fan would know about. It's all good, right?
4:45 pm.
I love days off. Jillian obliterated me. I have
never ... EEEEEEEEEVVVAAAARRRRR been with a girl like that. Tonight,
I'm going to bang Melina, but Jillian just got a rematch with Batista
any time she wants it. Really. I may have to make some time for her.
She was in rare form, and afterwards, I could barely muster up enough
strength to walk to the bathroom. It felt like a Last Man Standing
match with the Undertaker.
Melina is back in the room, and on
the phone with Jillian. They're both best friends, but Jillian is
smart. She knows what and what not to say right now. If I play my cards
right, I should be able to get both in with The Animal. But, after the
performance Jillian gave me, I'm not sure if adding Melina would be so
safe for me right now. Tomorrow I was just informed Taker and I would
be squashing - I mean going against Big Fatty V and Mark Hungry. They
make Umaga look like Maria to be honest.
They are fat. Real fat. Fatter than Rey Mysterio. At least Rey is short. There is a difference.
Big Dave.
9:32 p.m.
I was enjoying an episode of Tom and Jerry when it
hit me: What would happen if the world ran out of Corn Pops? I got real
pissed for about ten seconds, then I remembered they're made of corn.
We never seem to run out of corn. Corn Pops are safe.
Silly me.
Big Dave
10:45 p.m.
Two days off in a row, and I didn't even work out. Wanna know really what the funny part is?
I'm still in better shape than all of you.
Big Dave
5:30 a.m.
Today is the big day for the Supershow. I just
learned that Umaga and I will be working together. He was told that I
called him fat on blog. He just laughed at it. I mean, WTF? Why would
you laugh when someone calls you fat? Are all Samoans fat people? Do
they just laugh when someone calls them fat? Rey certainly wouldn't
laugh. But, he's shorter. There is a difference.
He better
bring it. I'm making sure to wear a wifebeater (or as we call it in the
locker room, the J-Kidd or the Steve Austin, but you didn't hear it
here) and tear it off when I get in the ring. From what I've seen, no
other wrestler, past or present has done this before. It's
groundbreaking. I hope to do it at Wrestlemania, and make history as
the first ever guy to do that. Umaga will only make history as one of
the fat people to waddle to the ring.
I honestly can say me
and Melina are even closer than before. We've shared a lot of things,
and I hope we can share Jillian in the future ... in BED, IF you know
what I mean ... ayyyyyy????
And I mean sex.
Big Dave
12:05 p.m.
Time for some asses to be exposed.
To the ASS
that posted this on youtube (http://youtube.com/watch?v=Xd_joobb0TQ) I
will find you and I will expose your ass, and if you have a wife and /
or girlfriend I will make sure to expose hers and do very ANIMAL like
things to it. And trust me, Batista's naked presence will not only be
welcome when she sees me ... it will be ALLOWED.
From one ASS
to another. This one though I'm not mad at. I just miss it a lot. Ever
since Brooke was released, it's been a exercise in futility. She could
do so many things with it, it got to the point, I'd make up excuses to
travel with Brooke instead of Melina. I guess I should have told
Brooke. Wherever you are Brooke, I want to expose your ass ... for the
beautiful ass that you have. (_I_)
Finally, to my ass. For those
of you out there that think I'm stale and boring and uncoordinated in
the ring and boring on the mic, I have one question : Where will you be
tonight? Inside a girl, or staring at a computer screen ... again? So,
as for my ass ... you can just kiss it.
Big Dave
7:27 p.m.
Right before the show tonight, and about a week
before Wrestlemania. Umaga and I went over the match, and I noticed his
breath smelled like cheeseburgers. Who the heck eats cheeseburgers
before a match? I would eat pasta. You need the carbs, duh. :P
Jillian
and I haven't had any matches, and neither have Melina and I. Melly (my
new nickname for her) is excited about visiting Disney World. I am too,
because I heard from some vets about some nice nooks and crannies where
a couple can be alone ... IF you know what I mean ... ayyyyyy?
I mean sex by the way. Just wanted to clear that up.
Big Dave
11:23 p.m.
The match with Umaga went very well. the crowd was
very hot for us, and I must say that fatty really bought his A game. I
was impressed. I'll be more impressed if he loses weight, roffle. :P
But,
to a more important issue. More specifically, a Playboy issue. I looked
Maria's pictures, then read the interview Maria gave. I must say that
Maria surprised me. I really thought she was a goody two shoes who
wouldn't do anything X-rated. Turns out the Animal was wrong. And in
this case, I was glad I was wrong. I mean, the things she said ...
whoa. Santino is one lucky guy.
But after reading this, I feel
it is my duty to talk with Maria. I mean, with all these things she's
done ... why can't the Animal get in on the action? After reading about
Maria, The Animal is ready to go to her pit of danger.
I know we're on the road to Wrestlemania, but right now, it's the road to Maria I'm concerned about.
Maria or Bust.
Big Dave
12:09 a.m.
I just had a funny thought.
Mike Knox.
Heh.
Big Dave
8:30 a.m.
I'm a bit sore right now, but that doesn't mean The
Animal is ready for action. Whether at Wrestlemania or in bed. Today,
Melina wasn't up for anything, since she and Beth tagged against
Candice and Maria. The match actually went on longer than expected, and
all four women weren't expecting it, because Elijah Burke went to the
wrong town ... again. She's a bit sore right now, and I've agreed to
help her out just this once.
I mean, I know she's sore, but couldn't she at least pay for breakfast? Geez >_<
Anywho,
we have another house show, and tonight, I tag with Kane to go against
Chuck Palumbo and Umaga. I wonder if anyone still remembers Chuck and
Billy. Not that there's anything wrong with that >_> Maybe I'll
bring it up tonight :P
Big Dave
11:20 a.m.
It's gonna be a long day for Big Dave. Melina is
sick. Turns out the breakfast we had was terribly prepared. After
giving the spinebuster to the manager, cooks and waitresses (hey, those
girls served it, they're not exempt) Melina now may be out of
Wrestlemania if she doesn't get well in time.
But forget that.
Big Dave has his needs, and they will fulfilled. I mean, Melina's sick,
but her pit of danger doesn't have the cold. I've bought Melina one of
those paper masks surgeons wear. That way I can still hear her without
the germs getting on me. Can't have two sick people now, can we?
Also,
Mickie seems to be warming up to me. Maybe Melina can take a seat on
the sidelines while Mickie takes a seat ... on Big Dave ...
Big Dave
1:30 pm.
This is Big Dave, from Mickie's room. Yeah, I said
it. Mickie's hotel room. She wants to see what the Animal is all about,
and I've told her beforehand I will not hold back. She told me the
same. I'm really looking forward to this match. As I type, Mickie is
getting ready.
The Animal is always ready.
Big Dave
2:15 p.m.
I'm wondering what Mickie is made of. Seriously,
from the start, she made me her daddy. I'm at the point right now where
I should ask Mickie to pay for my dinner. The girl is from another
planet in my opinion. If Jillian gets the gold, Mickie gets the
freaking TITANIUM medal. She just doesn't stop. Even right now as I
type this with one hand, Mickie is wondering out loud when our next
match is. I've never said this before, but...
I may have met my match O_O
Big Dave
3:00 p.m.
I'm in my rental car right now, and I can hear
Mickie in the parking lot, looking for me. Ever since she had some of
The Animal, she wants some more. I remember overhearing Kenny talk
about how insatiable Mickie's appetite was. There were times at house
shows where Kenny didn't have his legs under him. I now know why.
I
remember watching RAW when Mickie debuted and watching her character
evolve into a psycho. I just though she was good at being a psycho. You
know what they say about the successful wrestling personas : They're
just extensions of the real person. I always though Mickie was cheery
happy go lucky person. She's scarier than the Undertaker after someone
has talked trash about Michelle McCool.
I've never said this, but I've opened Pandoras Box.
For one of the few times in my life ... I'm genuinely scared.
Mommy, help me .__.
Big Dave
