Dave Bautista's Secret Diary #4: Basketballs don't hold grudges!

Full credit for this masterpiece is given to SurpriseElement of PWB!

Warning: You may become an avid follower of the Animal, Batista, after reading his personal journal.

Warning: This journal contains crude humor that may frighten or disturb you. I'm just kidding, gosh!

Warning: This journal contains terms that only a Wrestling Fan would know about. It's all good, right?

http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/5733/batistagz9.jpg

11:30 p.m.

Chris Jericho, or Pest 2 J got on my nerves a few days back, asking me about HBK and Flair and something about Easy Mac too. I was hungry, so maybe the last part was a stretch. Anyway, instead of giving straight answers, I just did what works for me in every situation : I gave him a Batista Bomb. It also worked on my annoying aunt and nuns that were harassing my children.

Also ... with Backlash coming up, me and HBK have been working together, but I can't help but check his wife out. She's pretty tall and just plain hot. There's the subjective hot, the nice hot, the pretty hot, then the "universally hot" But, since Shawn has found the Lord ... his wife is ... UNGODLY HOT. Hope ya don't get too mad at me ole buddy.

And for those that are emailing me ... Rey is doing fine. No, he hasn't been "hitting the taco stands harder than Triple H hits the anabolic steroids". His wife is a very good cook. And Rey is solid, not fat.

There is a difference.

Big Dave

4:30 p.m.

I can't tell you how great it is to be back home. My bed feels softer, the food is much better and more importantly, Melina has decided to move in with me. Most wrestling fans (virgins BTW) fantisize about having a Diva in front of them. But as I type, Melina is walking around in a nice black underwear set right now. Seriously, I'm about to pounce on her at any momen

Phew, that was awesome. Melina's pit of danger was extra smooth this time around. She know how I like it. Right now, if you must know (and you KNOW you do :P) Melina is giggling and watching me from my bed, with only the - wait the cover is off. She wants it again, and Big Dave will NOT disappoint.

Also, look for me at RAW for King of the Ring. I am slated to win, and go to Backlash with the World Heavyweight Championship. You heard me right, smarks. Big Dave is the new Big Champ. But not right now >_>

Right now, Big Dave is the next contestant ON Melina's Pit Of Danger.

By the way, that means I'm penetrating her.

Big Dave

6:39 a.m.

Last night was okay, but I'm a bit sick.

Sick of this little feud with HBK. We both have said everything that needs to be said, and we both are itching to get into the ring. Besides that, I've been hiding form Jillian and Melina. I didn't really think they'd read my blog, and now they've banded together with all the Divas. (including some girls named Lena and Maryse? Who are they)

Now, it seems their pits of danger are closed until further notice. Thankfully, with me being Big Dave, I can get any woman I want and put on a five star clinic in bed with her. Trust me, I will not be performing one handed pushups tonight. Never that.

Big Dave

http://www.obsessedwithwrestling.com/pictures/u/umaga/05.jpg

What a week huh? First, I want to call out that fat load named Umaga. A lot of people have contacting me about the finish, and if my finisher was a botch. Well, it was ... and I can tell you why : Umaga farted at the last second and the sheer force of the gas from his ample rear end threw me back and onto my keister. Of course, being the Animal, I found the RAW strength (hint hint) to slam the fat boy down anyhow, and pin him.

Also, people have been questioning me about staring at Shawn Michaels disapprovingly on RAW. I want to clear things up. It's not that I'm mad at Shawn ending Flair's career. You could clearly see his hesitation, especially at the end of the match. I was angry because he didn't give a shout out after the match to one Big Dave. I mean, I knew he just ended one of, if not the most storied careers n wrstling history, but he could grab the mic and say wassup Batista?

Geez, HBK. You really are selfish. I will expose you HBK. I will expose you.

Big Dave

12:30 p.m.

Tonight is Backlash, and I can't say I'm too excited. Melina has a match here, and she's been in exercise mode, and that usually means no matches in bed for Batista. No prob though, since Lena, Maryse and Eve aren't involved, that meant they all got to have Big Dave in my own version of a fatal fourway.

Lena and Maryse didn't seem to into it, so they went at each other, which I happily approved of. Eve on the other hand seemed to be very voracious. I guess I have that kind of effect on women. Eve's athleticism manifested itself with the many ways she - uh ... you know what? Even Big Dave has to keep certain things a secret, but just know that Eve is on my short list of girls who can request a rematch with Big Dave ... and get one.

I had to cut my session with the trio short, since my match with HBK is slated to go for a good ten minutes. Even an Animal needs his strength. See you gals (especially you Eve) next time, K?

And I mean for sex. Just needed to clear that up >_>

Big Dave.

1:23 a.m.

Been a weird turn of events. I jobbed out to HBK, but now it seems that Jericho is calling him out because he was faking a knee injury. First, I hate it when the women in my bed fake it, and it makes me furious that HBk would bait me like that. HBK, this is not over. Not by a longshot.

Also, I've noticed that my baby Melina was decked out in a purple dress, taking photos and such. I would be angry that I wasn't invited, but I think I would've ran in, spinebuster'd everyone and sexed up Melina right there. Probably not good for business.

Don't worry Melina, I'll get you later.

And bring Eve too >_>

So we can have a threesome. You know, just clearing things up.

Big Dave

9:45 a.m.

Big Dave here, and I watched RAW last night. HBK once again is playing up his knee, but I can tell when someone is faking it. And the more I see him limping and hobbling around, the more it makes me want to punch him in the face. It's bad enough he has a hot wife, but now he has everyone's attention with this fake knee injury.

Like I said on Smackdown, if HBK isn't really hurt, then he should be very worried. Very worried. There are very few promises that I haven't kept, but this is sure to be one. HBK will be hurt. By me. Big Dave.

Hey. Typing. Like this. Is sort of cool. Maybe I should. Do something like. This. More often.

Big. Dave.

http://img151.imageshack.us/img151/6334/eve4gy2.jpg

6:30 p.m.

What would your day be like without an entry from Big Dave? Like a day without splits from Melina, or a day without botches from Mike Adamle. XD

Either way, I just want to say that Smackdown was pretty fun all around. I wasn't so happy with Miz and Morrison (I got my revenge on him later:P) throwing powder in people's faces, especially the one who said I was his favorite wrestler. But, come on. Mr. Fuji is GOD. Throwing powder in people's faces is funny, no matter what.

I remember doing that to Melina a few times. Of course, she did deny me a few matches after that. You know, maybe I should stop doing that. In fact, whoever does that should be destroyed. If you'll excuse me, I have a Shaman and a Chick Magnet to "speak" too. They denied me some matches with Melina ... retroactively >_>

And by speak ... I mean kick their butts.

Be jealous.

Big Dave.

1:30 a.m.

Big Dave here, sitting on the good ole laptop as Melina sleeps. She took quite the beating from Beth Phoenix Monday Night. I knew there was something about Beth that turned me on. Usually, I'd be pissed that someone harmed my Melina.

But, this was one of those "You ate the whole wheel of cheese? I'm not even mad at you anymore." things. I mean, Melina is hurt (she took some Asprin), but the beatdown Beth gave her was one for the ages. It seriously made me want to jump in between and have a triple threat right then and there. Maybe I should go after Beth one more time.

Sorry Melina, but a guy has his needs. And I can't walk for miles inside the pit of danger of a woman who got beat down. It's just not right. So, when you heal up, we'll have a match. But, if you'll excuse me ... be vewy vewy quiet ... I'm hunting Glamazons!

And I mean Beth Phoenix. Just had to clear that up >_>

Big Dave

2:30 p.m.

Today is Judgment Day, and I have no match. It's great to take a break, but my PPV streak is over. Ever since last Royal Rumble, I haven't missed a PPV. no other Superstar or Diva has matched it. Some have been hurt, others suspended, and some ... uh ... let's just say they won't be coming back >__>

Either way, I was chilling with Melina and Arn Anderson (I call him Double A. Doubt anyone else does) came over to discuss the match layout. Beth walks over, and ... wow. TV doesn't do her justice and I nearly sprang into action. Melina gave me a weird look when I nearly leaped out of my seat, but being the smooth Animal I am, I kept my cool.

Beth said hi after they went over the match layout, and I played cool again, nodding, then looking away. But, I must say, the more I see of Beth ... the more I like. And trust me ... the Animal wants to see more of The Glamazon.

And by that, I mean in bed. With me. Doing stuff.

Big Dave.

10:23 p.m.

Last night on RAW, I had to put Y2J down so I could get to HBK. Now, before you think this another one of those ... blah blah blah sex and a random female up thing ... well, it is. But, not before I speak on Jericho.

He's one of the coolest guys I've met, and he also brainstormed the great ending to the match we had as well. Of course, Big Dave gets the win here. I mean, Jericho is a great wrestler, but is he Big Dave? No. That means Big Dave beats him. But, there is one thing I didn't beat Jericho in, and that's book sales. Both of our books came out around the same time, and I must say ... he won. His book is very funny and insightful and I enjoyed it.

Now that that's out of way ... back to Beth. Last night she debuted some kind of submission move that looks ... like a great position for Melina and I. After Sunday night, and seeing Beth pick up both Melina AND Mickie, then just hold them there for a good ten seconds? I was floored. But it scared me. I mean, I'm Big Dave, and I will hurt you, but there's just something ... different about her. I'm not sure what it is, but I've learned my lesson with Mickie. And if Beth can womanhandle both Mickie and Melina at the same time ... let's just say Big Dave knows when to hold em and when to fold em.

Now, if you'll excuse me ... I'm about to give Melina the Glam Slam. Only with me, it's the Grand Slam. You know, because I'm so big and all.

And by Grand Slam ... I mean sex. In a very fun position.

Just wanted to clear it up again.

Big Dave

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1:45 p.m.

I had a late breakfast today. Turns out Melina is super energetic ever since the Divas have gotten more time on RAW. If this is what it takes to make Melina extra frisky in the sheets, then not only is more time for the RAW Divas welcome ... it is ALLOWED. All the time.

Onto my business. Last year at ONS3, I "lost" to Edge because my hands hit the floor first instead of my feet. Thankfully, there will be no cage, just a stretcher, and I hope to take HBK for a while, since he's been taking a liking to faking everything. I don't fake sexing, and I do not fake threats. Just ask the dog that peed on my lawn. Yeah, I spinebuster'd him. Double A style. Arn Anderson for you younguns : P

While ONS4 is less than two weeks away, I'll tell you something that is a little closer : Melina. In the sheets and energized to the point the bed is about to be on fire. Big Dave is all for handling that. Maybe one day you'll get this close. If you do, remember ... just kidding. You smarks will never get this close.

And by that I mean in a girls panties.

Clearing things up like I always do.

Big Dave.

Until next time,

Gnarfard.

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