_The Gnarforditudes_
"are you intelligent? are you powerful? we could still teach you a thing or two!"
Beware the children of the corn that play Yu-Gi-Oh!
When the pyramids were still young, Gnarfards fought in a deadly war called the Shadow Games. To survive these deadly shadow games, Gnarfards taught their young the most important aspects to becoming powerful & reliable warriors.
1) Protection from the Elements
To survive you do not need to brush the bugs from your hair. You merely need the long flowing hair that allows rain to pass harmlessly away from eyes, and loincloth to prevent birds from feasting on your outward portions at night.
1a) The Modern Equivalent
Grow your hair out like a hippie, and spray yourself with bug repellent so you don't get lice and wash your hair with anti-dandruff shampoo. Also, for the love of god put some pants on, or else birds will feast on your family jewels! O_O
This vulture wants to feast on your outward portions at night!
2) Fire is your Friend
You must entrust your life with the everglowing sparks of life. If the sparks of life are extinguished, then you will having nothing to cook your animal products on, and then all home for your future will vanish into dancing flames.
2a) The Modern Equivalent
Keep a fire going at all times, so your neighbors will think that you're a caveman, and protect your fire at all costs. If your fire goes out, then you will have no hope at ever graduating from a junior college, and you'll never get laid.
This is what happens when the fire does not want to be your friend...
3) The Setting Sun
You must know when the moon and the sun intertwine their forces: before the wolves and jackals of the world enter your world and eat your young. When the sundial hits 12, then none may pass the gates, hence the devils. When the sun rises again, only then may you challenge the day again.
3a) The Modern Equivalent
When the sun goes down, then hurry home, or else there's gonna be people looting your house. If you are not home by midnight, then curfew police will deliver the smackdown unto you with a hefty fine.
"lol ok sarah, I g2g home now or else the wolves and jackals will enter my house and eat the young!"
4) Education is Existance
You must be well learned of the past, present and future! If you do not, then by chance, you may pluck the sacred fruit of the soil and become ill by their vast mystical powers. If you eat the sacred fruit, then will ascend to the afterlife.
4a) The Modern Equivalent
Don't pick wild mushrooms because they're poisonous.
The "Sacred Fruit" in it's almighty glory + comes with sacred powers
5) The Shell Monster
With every passing year, the ferocious monsters of the shell will descend upon the fields. You must take every effort to hide the women and children of the village and take up arms against this combatant, unless you are to lose the crop you have yet to harvest. This is of utmost importance.
5a) The Modern Equivalent
Every year there will be a swarm of locusts that will eat up all the food you've worked so hard to plant and grow. Burn and torch the suckers!
6) Show Your Goods
To a passerby, you must beam a righteous row of white at them. If they reciprocate with kindness, then you must shower them with friendship and gratitude. If they strike you with a wooden club, then you have made an enemy and must warn fellow Gnarfards about this antagonistic entity.
6a) The Modern Equivalent
Smile & show your pearly whites to people that you meet! If they smile back at you, you have made a friend! If the person is hot and there's no visible spouse
then you may also close in and exchange instant messenger screennames with the before-mentioned "hottie". Congratulations, you're pretty awesome.
However, if the person decides to be angsty about your outgoing attitude, then equip your staff of righteous fury and walk away from the situation.
Congratulations, you have not joined the ranks of the angsty!
alcoholic: hi i'm not angsty
gnarfard: hello not angsty how are you?
alcoholic: my name isn't not angsty... AND DON'T SMILE AT ME :(!%!@%
gnarfard: ok... put on some pants or else the vultures will eat your family jewels!!!
7) Hit the Rock with all your Might
If a man wakes up one morning and hits a rock with all his might, the rock may not shatter on the first try. However, if he wakes up the next morning and takes a sword and hits the rock with all his might... the rock probably will not shatter. If the man wakes up the next morning and throws a chicken at the rock, the rock will shatter. The unforgiving rock falls to the great man and his chicken.
7a) The Modern Equivalent
Try, try and try again. If you're faced with the same rocky situation then try not to throw a chicken at the rock, because there are animal cruelty laws.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get thrown at a rock!
Now all this joke needs is some canned audience laughter...
Until next time,
